Ugh. I am.
This is going to read like therapy I should have. I’m 42, I grew up with an angel of a mother, a super-patriarchal dad and oldest brother (10 years old than me). I’m athletic and small-chested and grew up with an attitude of being a “man-hater”… dad & oldest brother. I never dated. I helped my mom get divorced while I was in college. I genuinely never thought I’d get married. The only option would be to a man… I can’t even imagine the judgement & ridicule. My oldest brother called me a lesbian many times. I genuinely did not present that way.
A healthy professional relationship with a male college coach showed me that men can Connect.
Real connection is everything to me.
I got married to a man who Connects like a woman - wonderful conversations, listens & interacts with my long-windedness, emotional. I’ve also been through hell because of his unmet attachment mom issues & was treated under the surface, as if I were her. This finally got rooted out a year ago when I was truly ready to be done. I am upset at what I’ve had to go through: alcoholism, financial control, inability to receive feedback, to hear me, value my contributions, gender roles with the house, lack of self-care - it was almost like whack-a-mole, the issues. I went through the hardest decade of my life: navigating my beloved Mom through early-onset dementia and nobody would know what I was dealing with in my “wonderfully supportive husband”. He was… and he wasn’t.
A lot was opened up a year ago - but it’s like, is it too late? I have no idea when I was last truly physically attracted. He’s a big guy & not in a good way. I really value health & fitness and an active lifestyle (I made it the basis of my profession). We’re all in charge of ourselves, but the influence is real, too. I think because in the beginning, the emotional & friend connecfion was so good, that subconsciously I was willing to “give” on the physical attraction.
Having never dated & really ever being pursued, I feel I was trying to make sure I was “good enough” for him… and I believe he was making sure I was good enough for him, too.
On the outside, it looks like I LIVE THE LIFE.
Many of the issues have finally smoothed out, but I feel like I went through death by 1,000 cuts. And…. The attraction. I just don’t feel it like that.
Meanwhile. there is a woman in my life that I would trade it all for. Even to have a non-sexual relationship. Trade. It. All.
I resent that I had to endure so much to get to a point in an 18-yr. marriage where I finally have a voice & am just… not putting up with BS any longer.
It’s not an unhappy home… but the reality is it’s a utilitarian marriage where neither of us wanted that - we wanted love. I care. But the love part feels squeezed out. I have compensated in my own mind for YEARS.
I resent my oldest brother for calling me a lesbian from so young - like middle school - before I even had the chance to know. The perfect proactive tactic to push the hero patriarchy.
I think a connected, KIND, gentle human who reasonably values health and activity of either gender is SO SEXY. The emotional connection is priority - I guess that’s demisexual?
If somebody actually reads this - thank you!
Do you have confusion, too?
This is so hard. I think since my kids are younger it was maybe easier in a way. Honestly, I would get advice from a therapist about how to proceed with kids on this. I think you have to hear them, whatever that sounds like. And that may be hard. But acting from a place of shame doesn’t usually get you to a place of healing. I think you need to work with a therapist on that too. What helped me was to read that this is a journey and it isn’t going to be over quickly. Expect five or so years. Also expect that your kids will have different reactions and the only real thing you can do is honor that. I think trying to make an apology that doesn’t dismiss the hurt you caused can help but even that is hard. My partner’s ex now is in a new relationship and they don’t really communicate except about the kids. They are civil. I do a lot with my ex but he’s still incredibly hurt and angry at me and my partner even after six years. He’s not getting over it. We keep it from the kids but now that they are older, they can tell. Sometimes making that distance and not expecting them to be anything but civil given their hurt is what you can expect. I think when we have wronged people we cared about all we can do is offer one solid apology, try to behave in the most generous way we can toward them, and not expect that they feel anything but animosity towards us, because probably, if the situation were reversed, that’s what we’d feel. If we get civil or kind, they are being generous. I do think k you have a right to protect yourself and your partner and your kids from experiencing bad feelings and so maybe more separation is needed. It’s actually been sort of healing for my partner’s ex and her. Just getting away from her on the day to day. I think my ex could use to get away from me too but he doesn’t want to be away from the kids. Anyway, there’s no way out but through. It’s hard. Get help with the kids and with releasing yourself from the shame to do other kinds of work for yourself and your partner and your kids. It feels hard because it is, but one foot in front of the other. That’s how you get through. Good luck.